Kathy Hochul has a new method for evaluating criminal investigations, and it saves a ton of time: she skips the facts and goes straight to the verdict. Asked this month about a federal probe into Suffolk County Democratic Party Chairman Rich Schaffer, the governor called it a "political hit job" while admitting, according to the New York Post, that she did not know the particulars. That's not a legal opinion. That's a movie review from someone who hasn't seen the movie and hates the director.

Here's the exact quote, because the Demorat doesn't need to make anything up when the governor brings her own material: "Anything coming out of the Trump administration days before an election... is calculated as a political hit job."

Bold strategy. One small wrinkle. The FBI then told the Post that the investigation is a joint state and federal effort, meaning some of the people Hochul just accused of running a Trump hit job report to, and this is the fun part, the State of New York. Kathy Hochul is the governor of the State of New York. She basically walked into her own kitchen, smelled smoke, and blamed the neighbor's stove.

"It's irresponsible to comment on joint state and federal investigations during the election campaign to score political points," an FBI spokesperson told the Post. "It undermines the integrity of the investigative process and hurts the candidates running for office." When the FBI is the calm, nonpartisan adult in your news cycle, you have badly misplaced your talking points.

And who started all this? Not Trump. Not Fox News. Not a guy in a MAGA hat with a whiteboard. The complaints about Schaffer came from fellow Democrats inside his own party, after he won reelection last month over progressive challenger Kathryn Casey Quigley, his first serious challenge in nearly three decades. Schaffer has run the Suffolk Democrats for more than 26 years and denies the allegations. No charges have been filed. That's the whole public picture.

So, to review the governor's flowchart: Democrats complain about a Democrat. State investigators look into it. Federal agents look into it. Hochul looks into a microphone and says Trump did it. It's the political version of hearing a noise in your basement and announcing, before checking, that it's definitely a raccoon from Florida.

The timing matters, because Hochul is on the ballot Nov. 3 against Republican Nassau County Executive Bruce Blakeman, and nothing says "trust me with your state" like openly prejudging a probe your own state is helping run. Somewhere in Albany, a state investigator is staring at a "Hochul for Governor" mug in the break room and quietly switching to the paper cup.

Here's the thing nobody in her campaign can say out loud: Hochul didn't defend Schaffer on the facts, because she told reporters she didn't have them. She defended him on the calendar. In her world, any probe that lands near an election is fake, which is convenient, since New York has an election basically every eleven minutes.

The FBI's statement didn't address the substance of the allegations, and neither did the governor. One of them had a good reason. The other one had a press gaggle.

Next week, voters get to run their own investigation. Hochul might want to wait for the details on that one too.

This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.

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