Hakeem Jeffries stood in front of the cameras Wednesday and said the most honest sentence a Democrat has uttered in two years: "Mike Johnson was correct. The polls were wrong."

Then he ruined it by finishing the thought. "It wasn't simply a blue wave. It was an American tsunami."

A tsunami. The man picked the one natural disaster where the water comes back.

Jeffries predicted Democrats "will win at least 255 seats, if not more," and called it "a historic majority in the 21st century." For the record, Democrats held 257 seats in 2009. That's the last time they ran everything, and it gave America Obamacare, a stimulus nobody could find and a 2010 midterm so ugly they're still burying the bodies. History isn't repeating itself. It's sending a reminder email.

By the afternoon, the "humbled" Jeffries had already mailed his caucus a letter announcing he's running for speaker. "I write to humbly request your support," it began. Nothing says humble like asking for the gavel before the paint on the 255th seat is dry.

The to-do list is out, too. Reverse the Medicaid and SNAP cuts. Extend the Obamacare premium credits that expired last year. Roll back the tariffs. End the Iran war. That's four promises, which is three more than Congress has kept since the Clinton administration.

And how do you lower the cost of living with that list? Easy. You spend more money until things feel cheaper. It's the same plan your cousin uses with his credit cards, and he also calls every new card a "historic majority."

Then came the line that'll age like gas station sushi. "I haven't had a single member of the House Democratic Caucus talk to me about impeachment," Jeffries said. "We've been relentlessly focused on affordability, and on accountability."

Read that last word again. Accountability. That's the House Democrat word for "impeachment, but in a cardigan." He said "accountability" the way a guy says he's "just looking" at the motorcycle dealership. Sir, you came here in a helmet.

He hasn't heard from Trump yet, either. Neither has Chuck Schumer. Two men who won both chambers of Congress, sitting by the phone like it's prom night and the Uber is late.

Jeffries also announced, "We don't work for JD Vance, we don't work for the Supreme Court. We work for the American people." Wonderful. The American people would like to know if the American people's grocery bill is coming down before or after the subcommittee hearings, because the eggs aren't waiting until January.

Here's the real tell. On the campaign trail, the pitch was one word: affordability. Twenty-four hours after winning, the pitch has a sequel, and the sequel has subpoenas. Every Democrat majority in history has started with "kitchen-table issues" and ended with a guy in a hearing room holding up a poster board. The kitchen table is now a witness table.

The speaker vote is in early January. Jeffries will win it easily. Then he'll have two years, 255-ish seats and a to-do list longer than a CVS receipt to prove that "tsunami" was a metaphor for change, and not a forecast for your wallet.

Because here's the thing about a tsunami, Hakeem. It doesn't lower anything. It just takes everything out to sea and calls it historic.

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The Demorat is a satire publication. This article is parody and commentary based on real news reports; jokes, exaggerations and fictional elements are not factual claims. Quotes attributed to real people are drawn from published reporting.

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