Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva won a fourth term as Brazil's president Sunday. He turns 81 on Tuesday, which means the country's big birthday present to him is four more years of work, starting in January.

I've covered a lot of comebacks. This is the first one with a pension already attached.

Here's what's real, per Fox News and Al Jazeera. With all votes counted, Lula took 51.8 percent and beat Senator Flávio Bolsonaro by nearly 4.4 million votes. Bolsonaro had led the first round on Oct. 4 with 47 percent to Lula's 45. Fox reports it's the first time since Brazil's military dictatorship ended in 1985 that the second-place finisher in round one went on to win.

In his victory speech, Lula said, "No one is required to like the president-elect, but he must govern for everyone." He also called the result "a defeat for denialism and lies." Brazilians who remember his first two terms in the 2000s will be relieved to know he's still governing for everyone.

Then came the congratulations, which read like a guest list for a dinner party you'd fake a flat tire to skip.

Cuban President Miguel Díaz-Canel said the win "ensures the continuity of the path of peace, sovereignty, and social justice," per Al Jazeera. New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani posted, "The people united will never be defeated!" And California Gov. Gavin Newsom didn't even write his own. His media office put out a statement saying he's "proud to stand with Brazil." Somewhere in Sacramento, a press aide now has "congratulate Brazil" on the same to-do list as "order toner."

European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen announced that democracy and multilateralism "have won" in Brazil. Bernie Sanders called it an "extraordinary re-election victory." When Havana, Brussels and Burlington all send the same card, you're not watching an election. You're watching a group chat.

Bolsonaro, for his part, has refused to concede and asked for the result to be annulled over a two-hour nationwide voting extension ordered by Supreme Court Justice Cristiano Zanin three minutes before polls closed. Here's the detail he'd rather you skip: both campaigns asked for more voting time, according to Fox and Al Jazeera. Lula's side cited bus problems in São Paulo and Salvador. Bolsonaro's side cited heavy rain in the south. He's now trying to cancel two hours his own campaign asked for. Brazil's electoral court chief, Kassio Nunes Marques, said the extension didn't affect the results.

Picture a fictional São Paulo coffee farmer named Rafael, who was 24 when Lula first took office in 2003. Rafael is now 47, has two kids and a mortgage, and is about to start his fourth Lula presidency. He says it's like a sitcom that keeps getting renewed even though the cast keeps getting older and the jokes keep getting more expensive.

On the sewer scale, this rates three rats out of five. One rat for the fourth term, one for the fan mail from Havana and one for the loser who wants to undo the overtime he ordered. The other two rats are 81 and still working, out of solidarity.

So happy birthday, Mr. President. Brazil got you four more years, and you got Brazil another trip down memory lane it has already taken three times.

And here's your bill: Brazil is the world's biggest coffee grower, and a pound of ground coffee averaged $9.33 in U.S. stores in September, per the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Lula gets a fourth term. You get a fourth cup of something cheaper.

This article is satire. The Demorat is a parody news site; real facts are drawn from the linked sources, and jokes, invented scenes, and fictional characters are not real.

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