The New York Times has announced that Democrats are the party of the working man. You can read the announcement for the low, low price of a subscription.

"Democrats have a unique chance, after decades of culture wars, to wrest the mantle of populism from Republicans and thus change the terrain on which American elections are fought," columnist Michelle Goldberg wrote Saturday. The column ran under the headline "Republicans Tried to Turn the Cheesecake Factory Against Democrats. It Flopped." The subhead says it has "become screamingly obvious who represents billionaires and unchecked plutocratic power."

Now, I disagree with this column. I also disagree with the people who are going to disagree with this column. And I disagree with you, specifically, for already deciding how you feel about it.

Let's start with Goldberg. Populism is supposed to come from the people. You don't usually get it from a columnist three days before an election, like a pharmacy flu shot. When the populist movement arrives as an opinion piece, it isn't a movement. It's a newsletter.

Then there's the word "wrest." People who are winning the working class don't use the word "wrest." Truckers don't wrest. Waitresses don't wrest. The only people who wrest anything are lawyers and the guys in the medieval section of the library.

Now the Republicans, who I also don't trust. If the GOP really tried to turn the Cheesecake Factory against Democrats, as the headline says, that's a strange battlefield. The Cheesecake Factory has a menu longer than the tax code. You can't turn anyone against it. Everybody's already lost in it.

And the Democrats. The party that's going to "wrest the mantle" is the same party whose regulators floated going after the gas stove in a guy's kitchen in Ohio. You don't get to be the party of the kitchen table after you tried to take the stove.

Which brings me to you, the reader. You came here wanting me to say this was all nonsense. Some of it is. But "screamingly obvious who represents billionaires" is a tough line for either party to throw, since both of them spent October cashing billionaire checks with a straight face. The only populists in this race are the voters, and nobody asked them to write a column.

Here's the real test, and nobody's going to like it. If Democrats are the populists, Tuesday will say so. Populism isn't a mantle you wrest. It's a receipt. It's what happens when people look at their rent, their eggs, and their power bill and decide who's on their side. You can't win that argument in a paywalled opinion section. You win it at the checkout line.

So congratulations to the Times on the big announcement. Democrats are now officially the party of the people, effective immediately, pending the people.

The Demorat is a satire publication. This article is parody and commentary based on real news reports; jokes, exaggerations, and fictional details are not factual claims.

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